Made the most difficult decision last wednesday

It must be fate that I stumbled onto this site a day after I had to make the difficult decision to put my almost 19 year old grey tabby down. The reason I say that is because my cat's name was also Chance. I named him after John Wayne's character in Rio Bravo. I'm still having difficulty writing about him or even talking about him, even though it's been almost a week since I made that brutal decision. I chose him from two different litters that were born in a shed on a family friend's farm. I was 14 and he was my first real companion, I don't want to use the word "
pet"
because he was far more than just a pet to me. Sure as a family we had, had other companions, but they were everyone's. I'm pretty sure that he didn't realize that he was "
just a cat"
. He use to talk all the time, we use to have "
conversations"
with him. He had this habit of grunting and then bumping/rubbing against people, I guess it was his way of greeting people. For the longest time we couldn't stand by furniture because Chance would use the closest furniture to jump on our shoulders. He then realize that he could jump from the floor onto our shoulders, especially mine because I'm only 5'3 1/2. He really was an amazing friend, he was my everything and there through all my highs and lows. I'm rather lost without him now. I thought that going to the spca would help, my boyfriend fell in love with a little black kitten. So we adopted him a few days after I put Chance down. That sure didn't help, it seems to have made it more prominent. All I hear all day is hissing from the other cats, and I'm reminded how good Chance was when we would bring other kitties home. I miss him so much. I hadn't cried for a couple of days and I thought I was doing better until I realized that tomorrow it will be a week that he's been gone. Last week at this time he was sleeping beside me as I sat on the couch and did my school work. I kick myself everyday for not realizing that something was going wrong. I really regret not paying more attention to him in those last few days, of not petting him more, hugging him more, or putting my face in his fur more, of not giving him my complete attention all the time. I miss the feel of his fur and the way he smelled. I use to bury my face in his fur and breath in deeply, his smell was always comforting. I'm sorry I'm rambling, thank you all for reading this.

How sorry I am to hear about your cat, Chance. I can tell you loved him so much. Making the decision to allow a companion to move along on their journey is never easy. It's such a paradox because we love them and care for them their whole life and most times we can help heal them. Then there comes the day when we can't and are forced to end their life - the life on someone we love so dearly at the same time. It isn't fair.

I also understand about getting the kitten so quickly after your loss. All I can say is that it will get better. Grieving will take time - especially since you have Chance for so long and loved him so much. Try and be gental and patient with yourself. You are so intitled to your feelings so, don't feel like you don't deserve to experience them. There will be highs and lows, good and bad days, and often reminders. It's okay to feel all of that - no matter how long it takes.

Hang in there. I'm glad you found us.

Gail

Thank you so much, Gail. You're kind words mean the world to me. Also thank you for this site, I'm so glad to have found a place with like minded people, where I can share my grief and find support.

Today was one of those bad days, at times I still can't believe he's gone. Earlier today I had to take one of our other cats to the vet, she was born with an ambilical hernia and I was afraid it was causing some issues. I also picked up Chance's paw print. The drive there was eerily familiar and then the vet put us in the same exact exam room as the one we were in with Chance.The vet said that the hernia seems to be shrinking and there is no reason to worry. When I took the other cat home, I woke the kitten up so I could clean his eyes. Only to realize the infection had gotten worse in one eye and it was all swollen, red and green oozes ran out of it when I wiped his eye. We made a solution of warm water and sea salt and applied it, his eye seems to be doing better. Needless to say I was very distracted at work.

As I had to put our dog Lady down yesterday, the entire experience is indeed brutal. I had never imagined how brutal it could be, making the decision, waiting for the hour to come, and then actually carrying your pet in to what you know will be their last spot on this Earth. It was for me a horror that I could never have imagined without living through it, but it had to be done out of love. You obviously loved your cat very much, which is why you had to do it. But I know there aren't really words that can make it better except maybe to know how much you are not alone with those who have experienced the same. Every fiber of my being screamed not to do this, yet also everything in me said that she could not continue as she was suffering more by the hour. None of it feels right, but I know it is the right thing to do.