Lost Lady yesterday

Yesterday we had to put our dear lab/rottweiler dog Lady to sleep.  She was 14.  She has had arthritis for a couple of years, but with pain meds and help from us, she seemed to be mostly happy though she could not run and steps were difficult.  I'll skip the details of the last few months, but Friday night, she fell and could not walk.  Her right hind leg seemed not to work.  We got her in to the vet and discovered that her leg bone was in fact covered in cancer and had broken during normal use.  She also had cancer around her lungs and other places in her body.  She did not seem to be in much pain except that she couldn't walk and wasn't fond of being carried (she weight 62 lbs).  We (my wife and I) made the decision to put her to sleep after a few days.  We wanted to give her a few last great days since she wasn't in much pain.  I took off of work and bought a lawn wagon to put her bed in.  I took her on very long walks all over our neighborhood which she had not been able to do since she had the arthritis and, back then refused anything like a wagon.  But now that she could not walk at all, she seemed to really enjoy being pulled around.  She would at times indicate that she wanted out.  I would stop and lift her out and then sit next to her while she looked around and sniffed the wind.  We had a few great but hard days together and on her last day we had a party complete with expensive dog treats from a bakery.  She ate whatever she wanted.  Then after being up with her most of the night to keep her company, we took her in.  My wife asked me if she could be alone with her when she passed since she felt they had a special bonding.  We knew also that it was time because that night her breathing seemed especially labored.   I didn't feel a need to be there at the exact moment of her passing so I said OK and waited outside. I dug her grave in our back yard and buried her.

Where I'm at now.  One day later.  Any thought of her causes me to cry.  I feel alone and isolated in this because my family seems very uncomfortable when I shed any tears even silently.  My wife is very heartbroken also but does not want anyone, me included to see her cry.  I get the feeling from them that since she is "in a better place" that somehow if I am crying that I am "not doing well".  I can talk about it a little with them, but if I say things to my wife that causes her to tear up, she asks me to stop.  (yes, I know this is a bigger marriage problem which we have been dealing with using the help of a professional counselor for years).  I don't want my teen daughters to feel uncomfortable or burdened by my sadness so I try to keep it to myself now, but I also feel so alone.  Most of my close and extended family acts as if no one should see you cry and if you are crying then it means "you are not doing well".  I also get the feeling that after a day or two I should be "getting better"  This makes me very frustrated.

I actually feel that I am doing very well considering what just happened. When a creature so wonderful leaves this world and her presence is no longer here, I feel that any kind of tears are very appropriate. Or even if years later, when recalling her and I start to tear up, I don't see anything indicating that I am not doing well. Quite the opposite, as long as it doesn't interfere with getting on with daily life, I feel that such mourning is showing how much a person loved the one they lost and how well they were able to see the pet or person's beauty.

 What I would like the most is to hug someone who also misses our dear Lady and weep together.  But it seems that this cannot happen except that we do have another dog who also seems to miss her.  She doesn't mind if I show emotion and likes to lick the tears off of my face.  

Thanks all for listening, I will be reading some of your posts so that I can return the favor and listen to you as well.

Hi Ladysdad,
I am so sorry for your loss. The tears are normal, and cry all you want. I cried consistently for the few years after Bailey passed away. He will be gone 6 years on August 30th, and I still cry every once in awhile. He is thought of & missed every day.
It is perfectly natural to cry. I even went up to strangers and started crying. I would show them pictures of Bailey and then the tears would start flowing. I love this website! It will help you.
I always found writing about Bailey to help me with my pain. I would write & cry. In the Bible it says that God puts our tears in a bottle, Psalm 56:8. Thru praying, Bible reading, & many, many, tears, I feel in my heart that our furbabies go to heaven. I will see my Bailey again some day.
Other ways to help with grieving, solar lights on Lady's grave, wind chimes, or even a journal. Bailey is buried under a tree outside our bedroom window, in that tree are wind chimes. Every time that I hear them, I think of Bailey, and hope he is thinking of me. The solar lights shine for my Bailey thus giving me comfort.
My heart does not have the pain that it once had when he died, but it still longs to see him, hard to explain. I do not cry every day, just out of the blue some time I will feel sad for him & possibly cry. My Mother passed away on August 1, 2013, and Bailey, August 30, 2011, so August is just a hard month for me.
www.doggyheaven.com is a great website for grieving. You can post about 5 pictures, write about your furbaby, family & friends can leave doggy treats. Every time I get a message from doggy heaven, it makes me happy because I know that someone remembered my Bailey Fritz!
I will keep you in my prayers, it will get better.
Becky & Bailey
I will remember you in my prayers,
Becky & Bailey

Hello Ladysdad

I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm also grieving for a pet at the moment and I know exactly what you mean about feeling alone. We lost our family cat a few days ago. She was a kind, beautiful little cat that gave love to everyone. I'm sure your baby was sweet and beautiful too. My family hasn't talked about it at all and it makes me upset. I stay in my room and I cry, if my mom see's me she gets mad and starts being rude.

jenodiane is right though, crying is normal and it makes me a bit upset that my family has seemed to have gotten over it so quickly but maybe they are dealing with it differently.

There should be more Pet loss support groups so that we could give each other a hug. Might be weird to hug a stranger, but I would think that after a few meetings it would be ok. Until then, we have this spot which i'm very grateful for and we can talk amongst each other and give online support. I know I really need it, so if you or jenodiane would like to talk I'd be more than happy too.

Hello Lady'sdad,

I am sorry that you are not openly allowed to grieve the loss of your beloved dog.   I can't imagine
keeping my pain all locked up inside.  I would be taking long car rides at night to release my grief with tears and sobs.

The one quote that I keep remembering  from C.S. Lewis is:  "To the Extent that you loved (someone; something), will be the extent of your pain, that's the deal!"    

By shedding buckets of tears, you can be sure that your little fur baby was very much loved and missed.   My husband and I just said goodbye to our 9 year old Westie on July 24th, 2017.  We both were present during his departure.  One minute he was smiling, then a few seconds later, he dropped his head and his heart stopped after the medicine was administered.  The vet verified his passing.

Saying goodbye was very humane, but difficult at the same time.   Almost like watching a balloon having its air released.   My husband cried immediately, producing loud agonizing sobs.  My tears started to flow and I too started to cry un-controllably.   We cried for 20 more minutes while driving to a restaurant to sort out our lives, post Woody.

In time (maybe 6 months), we might be healed enough to adopt another fur baby.   It will most likely be another Westie, since we love that breed and because their human mannerisims and loving nature is what we are familiar with and miss  the most.

I hope that your heart is healing.   A wise counselor told me to work through grief in this way:
1.  Remember the first day that you got your pet.   What was good/difficult about that day?
2.  Remember a day when the dog made you mad.  (This will add some reality to your grief and help you see him/her more objectively).
3.  Remember a time when they were sick and how hard it was on you (and your pet) to struggle through it.
4.  What was the parting gift that your dog gave you?  Mine gave us the gift of un-conditional love and loyality.  I remember him following me to every room in the house, even to the bathroom.  I remember his big smile and how he would kiss on command.  He would touch my nose with his nose.  

I also told God that I need to see signs that Woody is in heaven and fully restored.