Unbearable loss

Hi.  I am a 53 year old man from Queensland, Australia.  This is the first time I have entered any sort of forum.  I am simply looking for outlets to ease my pain.  I had to put my dog to sleep last night after she was diagnosed with 2x brain tumors and wasn't responding to any steroid medicine.  She was 16.  She had been declining for a number of months and then within a week, she got considerably worse.  Unable to eat, drink, walk.  She was peeing on herself laying down.  The vet said I could start chemo and other radiation therapies but at 16, the stress she would undergo would create even more upset for her .

My girlfriend Amy is away with work at the moment and I am home alone for the next 4 days.  I am just completely gutted and empty and do not know how to control my crying and upset.  It's continuous and all consuming.  I guess I am looking for answers that are't there.  Maybe typing this is helping.  I am not sure.  I suppose I am just crying out.

Zowy was with me for 16 years and vary rarely left my side other than when I went to work.  I made it through 2 divorces with her by my side, also an emotional breakdown which had me house-ridden for 9 months and again, Zowy was there right by my side.  With me when I cried, with me when I ate, with me when I slept.  And now, as I grieve once more, I look for her to help me.  Ironically she is the reason I grief now and can't help. She was my rock, my motivation, my comfort. And now she is gone.

I am still in denial as I catch glimpses of her out of the corner of my eye and my heart races, but then reality sets in.  The only sleep I got last night included a dream whereby the vet was able to bring her back to life.  

I talk to my friends, and my partner Amy, and although caring in considerate I don't think they fully understand the depth of my grief or why it has completely engulfed me.  

One minute I want to look at photos of her, the next I am too scared to as it brings about uncontrollable sobbing.  I try and turn on the tv to distract me but it lasts 10 seconds before I am looking for her bed to put beside me as that is where she would sit when we had the tv on.

I realize its only been less than 24 hours and I understand it will get better, I was just hoping someone on this site would be in a similar situation and I would feel connected to someone briefly.  This loss is deeper than anything I could imagine.

Thank you for reading this.

Terry

Hello Terry,

I just joined this forum last evening, realizing that I wasn't coping well with the loss of my dog who I had to set free last Monday.  Like you, I had support, but it did not seem to comfort me.  I empathize with your post, feeling many of the exact same feelings.  I'm discouraged that there were no replies to comfort you during your time of great sorrow and hope that somehow things are getting better.  Please tell me that it does get better.  Right now the future is unimagineable.

Sincere condolences,

DarlaVera

Hello Terry.

Just like with Darla, you have a kindred spirit in me. My wife and I just recently lost our girl Nala, and both of us are having a hard time coping with the situation. I could have never imaging the pain that her lost would generate. It is harder when you feel that no one around you understand your what you are going through, but you are not alone, nor should you feel bad of how you feel. I found some web pages with helpful information into how to cope with the loss of a dog. When I am able, I will post the links.

Regards,
Paul.

Hi Terry,

I'm new here, and its just been a day for me, too. And I feel exactly like you do. I know it's hard and I'm not sure when I will have the guts to vacuum up his fur from the carpet. I know that I gave my friend the best life possible, and from your post, I know you gave Zowy that, too. I know that 16 years seems too short, but that is a good long life for your companion. Feel proud of the wonderful life you gave Zowy, and the dignified end that we should all be so lucky to get.

I know that it's been almost a month now since your post, and I hope that you have begun to feel better. I'm hoping that the ghost images out of the corner of my eye fades away.

Sincere condolences,
Rodney